A year of self-portraits | Photography

In the last couple of years I haven't done self-portraits. Selfies, yes... Self-portraits? Nope. The idea was in the air around with many others. I like this kind of projects and it was near the end of the year, so if I wanted to do a year-long project I had to act fast. But I was not feeling good nor happy with my current life. There was a new background in Boyan's studio and I wanted to do a self-portrait there. And it was perfect for February, the second month. I had only a few days left out of January but even the simple looking at the camera felt forced. Standing on the other side of my own camera at first felt so distant, so uncomfortable.

On one of those evenings I remembered a self-portrait I did a few years back. I just finished crying after having a fight with someone really close to me... It was honest, it was powerful and it was me. All I had to do was prepare the camera, and I like that, right? The rest is future me's business. And that's what I did.

February was easy, the idea was there, all I had to do was pose. And then I moved to another city.

The project was working, even though I couldn't put it into words yet. My mental health in March was still rocky and I escaped to Runya's House of Laughter. The air was fresh and the company good. I was starting to feel like myself again...

I had an idea for April that failed because of the weather. It was once again the last few days of the month. A last-minute spot opened on an adventure to lands unknown to me and I had to say yes. I was told we were going to a village but we stayed in another one and that traveled between the two. That caused me to be underprepared. We stayed right next to a lake and had an amazing view. I walked up over to see the lake better and there it was. A blue and yellow area while I was wearing my yellow sweatshirt and my blue jacket... And I didn't bring my drone... I did my best with what I had, a mountable GoPro. As I was doing my little photoshoot people started waking up and going outside... Where I was. It felt weird being comfortable doing it alone in public and yet, there was I, not giving a flying fuck while having fun with it.

In May I was back at Jessie's and I mixed the days up which made me rush into doing it with whatever I had. I've always wanted to try this idea, and I had my trusted GoPro with me. Thanks to an app I already had on my phone I was able to quickly edit and post the results before the month was over.

By the end of June I was a whole new me. I was looking forward to the photoshoot. The summer morning light was illuminating the purple wall and the blinds were creating this stripped pattern.

In July the summer was summering and one of my favourite flowers was blooming. It matched perfectly with the corner of the kitchen and I played with the camera's double exposure.

On the last Thursday of August I went to Tsarevets during the golden hour and decided to get it over with. I had no ideas, and I wasn't feeling it the way I did the last three months. But I had my camera with me.

My best idea for September were the lines on the balcony and my silhouette, which wasn't that good but it was something, and I was running out of time. They can't all be good, right?

October hit me like a bus and I was in no way or form ready to be in front of the camera. But I had to, for myself. The year-long project was almost over, I couldn't give up now, could I? And there I was, on the balcony, in this new life of mine...

Rearanging the balcony was the last bit that needed to be done, in this new home of mine. I really like how it turned out and November's self-portrait was created in this new space.

I have been thinking about self-portraits all year long and ideas keep popping up in my head at random times. One of those ideas is December's self-portrait, which I didn't expect to do in December. See the problem was, I needed it to be snowy... And the snow this month did surprise me... I was really excited to be able to do it and finish the project with it.

And now it's done. It was fun and it was expansive. In more ways than I would have anticipated. It was liberating to feel free and playful in my own body more and more with each month. This vessel I have chosen deserves love and appreciation and somewhere along the way I have disconnected myself... From myself... We all have pain, it's what we choose to do with it that makes us different from each other. A quote from an episode of Doctor Who about Van Gogh's life and work fits perfectly here: "He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray, but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world, no one had ever done it before.". I saw my own pain, I lived with it, I helped it grow and consume me. And it was time for a change. This whole year has been about change and doing things differently. I took the pain and transformed it. My relationship with my body has been rocky all through my life so far. None of us are getting younger and to me it's important to be able to see and appreciate the stage of life you're currently in. At the start of the project I was wondering what it would look like and the end, how will I look, would there be a noticeable change? And I don't mean the physical shape of it, but the look in the eyes, the ever-so-present smile of mine. And now it's the finish line, the last self-portrait has been done and I have poured my soul into this, not for anybody out there, but selfishly, for me. For the growth and ease that follows this project. It has made me more confident, more creative, and it has brought me back to myself. My body is a piece of art and it's time I start acting this way.